How to Let Go of Wanting Love and Approval (and thereby Achieve Real Love)

Collapse
X
 
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts
  • Sedona Training
    Letting Go Big Talker
    • Jul 2010
    • 992

    How to Let Go of Wanting Love and Approval (and thereby Achieve Real Love)

    "In The Sedona Method, Hale Dwoskin provides us with a practical, wise and proven formula for emotional and mental freedom to experience the joy and pleasure of simply being alive."

    John Gray, Ph.D.
    author of Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus

    Dear Hale,
    What is the secret to having lasting, healthy loving relationships?

    Answer:


    Have you ever wondered why some intimate relationships work and others don't? Why so many of us seem to have the same relationships with a series of different people? Why some people can easily find a mate while others struggle? Is there a way you can accelerate the process of uncovering and living your natural loving nature?

    The explanation for most vexing relationship questions is actually quite simple. The majority of our relationships, as well as our patterns of relating in general, are based on need rather than love. This is probably no surprise to you. However, it may surprise you that there is something you can do about it.

    Stop looking for love in all the wrong places.

    Most of us are on a quest for love that amounts to trying to fill a leaky cup. Every time we appear to get love from an external source, especially from another person, it merely reinforces the belief that love can be found outside us. So, the feeling of receiving love or approval inherently has "leakage." Common leaks include the fear of losing love, resentment towards the people we feel we need to get it from, and the simple act of looking away from the love that we, by nature, already are.

    Good news. You can turn each of these dilemmas around simply by letting go of wanting love or approval. You can also hasten the process by looking for mutual ways to love as opposed to getting it and mutual ways to give love, in addition to receiving it.

    If you're in any kind of an intimate relationship with a life partner, friend, or family member, and you can reach the point where you simply love the other person as he or she is, as best you can, then both of you can relax and be authentic with each other. This promotes much healthier, more satisfactory interactions.

    There are a few important keys to improving relationships that are often overlooked. One is mutuality. If you are doing something internally or externally that is not mutual with your partner, it will only frustrate you both. Here is a simple example taken from my relationship with my wife. I used to enjoy only seeing "guy flicks," and Amy only wanted to see "chick flicks." It caused a dilemma with our TV watching and movie-going. Instead of trying to impose our will on each other, or assuming that one of us had to sacrifice for the other, which wouldn't have been a mutual solution, we openly discussed the issue, released our feelings about it, and began to identify movies that we both could enjoy.

    In fact, because we released to gain mutuality, we both are now more open to the other's tastes in movies and rarely disagree about our choices. When we do disagree, we simply go to see the movie our partner chose, if we feel mutual, or we go alone or with another friend. Either way, we're both a lot happier. I even enjoy most chick flicks now as much as I enjoy guy flicks. Amy likewise enjoys some guy flicks.

    To be truly nurturing and supportive, love must also come without strings. The more you can give of yourself and give your caring without wanting anything in return, the happier you will be. Instead, what most of us do in relationship is barter. "I'll do this for you, if you do that for me." In commerce, bartering can be great; however, true love is much more than a business deal.

    True love or caring should always be supportive of both partners. If one is giving to the other at personal expense, it is not giving. Such situations can turn co-dependent or even abusive. So, when you give, make sure you're giving something that is wanted as well as something that you also enjoy giving. Now, this doesn't mean that you must always do what the other partner wants; neither does it mean that you must only do what you want. It means that you allow yourselves to explore ways of relating that are mutually beneficial.

    You will be way ahead of the game if you follow these few guidelines in your intimate relationship.

    How can I regain the love I have lost in my relationship?

    Answer:


    If you've ever been in a romantic relationship, you probably experienced what most people call the "honeymoon phase." Unless your relationship is brand-new, the kind of love, caring, and enjoyment that you experienced during that phase is probably only a memory by now. So, what's the difference between what you may be longingly looking back to as your honeymoon and what you are experiencing now?

    Simple: in the beginning of the relationship, you loved and accepted your partner as your partner was. You may even have loved your partner because he or she was a certain way, even if that way or those certain qualities now drives you crazy.

    Where a relationship can sour is at a point when your partner says or does something, or behaves in a particular way that you inwardly refuse to accept. You then start resisting that particular behavior or trait, while at the same time expecting the person to exhibit it again. We start these informal internal lists of the things we want to change or resist about our partner, and then we start comparing everything they do to that internal list. If it matches, we add an inner check mark and resist it even more. Once we start this list, we are also constantly looking for items to add to it. This whole process usually spirals out of control and ends in separation, divorce, or in simply putting up with a relationship that is no longer supportive of both partners.

    There is a simple way to break this pattern and extend your honeymoon for the rest of your lives. First of all, burn your list. Unless you're determined to destroy your current relationship, continuing to add to and tweak your list is merely asking for trouble. Get into the habit of looking for what you can love and appreciate about your partner, rather than how they need to change or be fixed, and it will change the whole dynamic of your relationship.

    This is not a substitute for loving communication about things that your partner does that you would prefer he or she not do. Nor is it an excuse to allow your partner or you to continue indulging in obviously destructive behaviors. It is merely a way to start to tip the balance back to the way it was when you were enjoying your honeymoon.

    Let me describe how this has worked in my marriage...

    How to Love Him or Her Even More than the 'Honeymoon Stage'

    As I mentioned, we all tend to create inner lists of what our partner has done wrong or has done to offend us. We then expect our partner to keep making the same mistake, and we, of course, get to be right when they do it again. After a while, it becomes more important to us to cling to the false security of being right than to nurture the love that attracted our partner to us in the first place. The difference between this pattern, which most of us fall into, and the "honeymoon" stage of a relationship in which our partner seems to do no wrong is simply what we are focusing on and expecting.

    What's happened over the past eleven years of being with my wife is that the lists of offenses and wrongs just keep dissolving. Yes, Amy has tendencies that I don't like at times, and I have character traits that she doesn't like, but neither one of us holds that against the other.

    We're simply right in the moment with each other, finding ways to be with each other as we are now, releasing our hurts and expectations. We share unlimited possibilities for loving each other. I love Amy even more now than I did in the "honeymoon stage" of our relationship.

    The Sedona Method will help you to pursue the relationship you desire, to create the fun, satisfying relationship you deserve. You will no longer be stopped by the fear and anxiety you may now feel when you think about approaching someone to whom you are really attracted.

    As you use The Sedona Method, you will find over time that all areas of your life radically improve, and you will find yourself easily uncovering your true, positive self.
Working...