Tweet
It's always easy to spot a relationship that has no boundaries. Often they come in the form of late-night phone calls (just as you're about to fall asleep), repeated one-sided conversations and you're constantly dodging questions you don't want to answer.
Such a relationship may exist with your boss (who thinks it's OK to call about work on Sunday morning), your parents (who still want to know why you've decided not to have children) or even your spouse (who barges in every time you're in the bathroom).
Of course, not every relationship needs to have set boundaries, particularly when both parties are respectful of the other. In this case, the boundaries are still there, they are just unspoken.
“It is not necessary to have boundaries anywhere since they are all made up,” points out Hale Dwoskin, CEO and director of Sedona Training Associates. “However, it is helpful to create the appearance of boundaries in relationships so you can simply feel safe being yourself with your partner without having to worry about either of you overstepping these imaginary walls.”
The Important Steps to Setting Boundaries
After you’ve assessed your relationships and identified those that are clearly making you uncomfortable, take these steps to (gently) establish boundaries:
1. Identify your boundaries. Do you want your mother-in-law to stop scrutinizing what you eat? Is it unacceptable for your friends to come over without calling first? Come to terms with what your limits are, and write them down if need be.
2. Let go of any guilt http://www.sedona.com/html/shame-and-guilt.aspx you’re feeling. You’re doing nothing wrong by setting boundaries. In fact, you may be saving the relationship.
3. Share your boundaries with your friend/relative/spouse. You can start out on a positive note by saying how much you honor your relationship, and because of that need to share something that is on your mind. Tell them exactly what boundary they are crossing and WHY it is not OK to cross it (“Saturdays are the only day I get to sleep in, so I don’t like getting calls before 9”).
4. “The more specific you are and the less you rely on them figuring it out the more likely you are to find that you both honor what is best for each other,” Dwoskin says.
5. Explain what will happen if your boundaries are not honored. Give a bit of time for the changes to set in, but do explain that if your boundaries keep being overstepped, you may not continue forward with the relationship.
“Also, remember as you set boundaries that they are not real and because they are not real they can and will change,” Dwoskin says. “That being said, it is very helpful to let your partner know what is acceptable and desirable for you at this time in all the major parts of relating.”
'Remember to release on your boundaries or rules in relationships so that you can fully show up in this moment and have a full rich rewarding relationship now,' he continues.
Such a relationship may exist with your boss (who thinks it's OK to call about work on Sunday morning), your parents (who still want to know why you've decided not to have children) or even your spouse (who barges in every time you're in the bathroom).
Of course, not every relationship needs to have set boundaries, particularly when both parties are respectful of the other. In this case, the boundaries are still there, they are just unspoken.
“It is not necessary to have boundaries anywhere since they are all made up,” points out Hale Dwoskin, CEO and director of Sedona Training Associates. “However, it is helpful to create the appearance of boundaries in relationships so you can simply feel safe being yourself with your partner without having to worry about either of you overstepping these imaginary walls.”
The Important Steps to Setting Boundaries
After you’ve assessed your relationships and identified those that are clearly making you uncomfortable, take these steps to (gently) establish boundaries:
1. Identify your boundaries. Do you want your mother-in-law to stop scrutinizing what you eat? Is it unacceptable for your friends to come over without calling first? Come to terms with what your limits are, and write them down if need be.
2. Let go of any guilt http://www.sedona.com/html/shame-and-guilt.aspx you’re feeling. You’re doing nothing wrong by setting boundaries. In fact, you may be saving the relationship.
3. Share your boundaries with your friend/relative/spouse. You can start out on a positive note by saying how much you honor your relationship, and because of that need to share something that is on your mind. Tell them exactly what boundary they are crossing and WHY it is not OK to cross it (“Saturdays are the only day I get to sleep in, so I don’t like getting calls before 9”).
4. “The more specific you are and the less you rely on them figuring it out the more likely you are to find that you both honor what is best for each other,” Dwoskin says.
5. Explain what will happen if your boundaries are not honored. Give a bit of time for the changes to set in, but do explain that if your boundaries keep being overstepped, you may not continue forward with the relationship.
“Also, remember as you set boundaries that they are not real and because they are not real they can and will change,” Dwoskin says. “That being said, it is very helpful to let your partner know what is acceptable and desirable for you at this time in all the major parts of relating.”
'Remember to release on your boundaries or rules in relationships so that you can fully show up in this moment and have a full rich rewarding relationship now,' he continues.
Comment