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Help me in childhood sexual abuse issues!

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  • Help me in childhood sexual abuse issues!

    English is not my native language, so bear with it, if the writing is not in flow..
    I am already a user here.. but created this id to say what i'm going to say, cause i couldn't bring myself to say it from that one..

    There are multiple issues but i"ll start with sexual abuse..
    Never penetrated but i've been kissed,touched, groped, fondled, rubbed when i was as little as 5 yr old and continued to happen.. last such event happened when i was 13.. All of these weren't done by one person but by many diff. people. and also involves diff. places,situations and times
    It was so common where i lived (i guess childhood sexual abuse is one of the most "common" things in the world) that i was used to it.. other boys were also molested.As far as my family is concerned; one time those guys who used to molest me caught me with one of my friends (doing it) and they bring us to our family and explained what we were doing.. my father beat me with hands,legs,shoes and then he picked me, hanged me outside of the window of the 1st floor to throw me out.. but there were people gathered who convinced him to do otherwise.
    It was so common that i also turned into a molester.. we as friends would involve in touching, kissing and oral stuff (ok, that could be termed as little boys curiosity)..
    But then as i grow up, i did the same thing with my little cousins as little as toddlers and with my other brothers..

    To the point that now I don't Fuc** know whether i am straight or a gay.. spent my time watching or reading gay porn stuff, trying to figure out my sexual identity or what to do with my life as far as relationships is concerned..
    Thoughts and images of being a pedophile circles my mind.. and don't know how to survive in this society being true to my intentions (ok ok actually i do know, using SM for 2 yrs, but it sometimes feels that way)..
    As i already said using SM for 2 yrs now.. life is been great but want to make it greater
    I could release on individual memories , but they are many and don't remember many of them..
    If i use triple welcoming , don't know how to start (could you welcome all these memories , and replies come what these)..
    can't figure out what words to use or what to do, as far as releasing on that is concerned

    Hope replies will come
    Last edited by FreeNow; 12-19-2012, 03:58 AM.

  • #2
    Hi FreeNow!

    First I'd like to say that it is very courageous for you to write this post and ask the questions that you are asking.

    Next, I'd like to say that sexuality is actually very complicated for nearly everyone and very difficult for everyone to discuss and explore for optimal personal understanding and healthy freedom. While sexuality is a universal human experience it is uniquely idiosyncratic for each individual. There are so many taboos around the topic that even folks who appear to be having no problem with it often privately admit that there are things that they are too uncomfortable to discuss or explore.

    I do encourage you to keep releasing on all of the things that you have written about here but I also encourage you to explore some of these things with a safe and objective professional to help you sort out what might be some unresolved and confusing issues regarding your experiences growing up.

    Here's a way to use the triple welcoming that might be helpful:

    Could you welcome (allow) all the thoughts, feelings, images, sounds, memories that come up around this to be here?
    Take your time in letting things bubble up into awareness.

    Could you welcome any wanting to change, control, get rid of, hold close or any wanting to figure anything out about any of this?

    Could you welcome the feeling that any of this is personal, that it is about you or who you are?

    Last edited by DelilahCertifiedSMCoach; 11-13-2012, 05:42 AM.


    • #3
      Hi Delilah

      Thanks a lot for your reply!
      as i have already said, as i read "Could you welcome (allow) all the thoughts, feelings, images, sounds, memories that come up around this to be here"
      My mind replies "around what" .. nothing comes into awareness..
      And about courageousness, i guess the anonymity of the internet gives us the courage!


      • #4
        Hi Freenow!

        Well, in your original post you talked about your confusion so could you welcome that? Is there any wanting to figure something out? Could you welcome that and let that go?

        Are there any feelings of anger, grief, fear powerlessness, shame, guilt? If yes, then could you welcome those?
        You might find releasing on the wants a little more helpful in excavating some of the underlying thoughts, feelings, beliefs.



        • #5
          This release helped in clearing the confusion.. feeling clear about it


          • #6
            Dear FN, It is very courageous of you to talk about your issues as honestly as you could. And I am sure you are getting some good suggestions on how you can release it. Just wanted to point out that being so focused on your past, should not prevent you from TAKING ACTION. The situations you have described are pretty bad, and I feel there is an urgency to take right action and make things right, rather than working towards your own personal healing and reformation. From what I understand, this pattern of molestation and abuse is being continued across generations in the circumstances you have described and so, is quite a serious issue. In India, molestation is yet to receive its due seriousness so as to get legal assistance and justice, unlike in the West. But, situations are changing now (you must have seen Aamir Khan's program "Satyamev Jayate", in one of the episodes child abuse is the issue and he puts forward couple of solutions to assist in taking action to eradicate this evil. If you have not seen it, I suggest to check it out ASAP). Continue releasing and your own intuition will guide you to take the right course of action to stop this unhealthy and damaging pattern.
            What, in this moment, is lacking?


            • #7
              Hi vivek

              I understand your concern.. and I've seen that episode..
              As far as taking actions and childhood sexual abuse is concerned , I am not going to abuse any kid, so i guess that answers your concern..


              • #8
                Hello FN. Firstly, there was no concern raised, it was rather a suggestion; a pointer towards the course of action needed. Secondly, I was not talking about changing your behavior, although it is good to know that you have decided to no longer engage in child abuse and it is evident that releasing is helping you a great deal in becoming free of such patterns. I was talking about the the trend in general.

                In your post you said:

                It was so common where i lived (i guess childhood sexual abuse is one of the most "common" things in the world) that i was used to it.. other boys were also molested...
                Again, later:

                It was so common that i also turned into a molester..
                An environment in which it is "common" for one to get molested as a child and in turn become a molester when one becomes an adult, is IMO, something that needs serious attention and reformation. And it looks like even now, children are getting molested by other people even though you are no longer doing it? So, maybe you need to take action to help those children as well, rather then just your own personal healing? This is what I was trying to indicate in my previous post. Maybe, my conclusions from your post were erroneous.
                What, in this moment, is lacking?


                • #9
                  Hi Vivek

                  Originally posted by Vivek View Post

                  Maybe, my conclusions from your post were erroneous.
                  I guess it was.. Yes, it seems highly plausible that kids are still molested and i also agree with you that it needs attention and reformation..
                  As far as direct intervention is concerned i would try my best to stop any case if i become aware of it.. I could also talk to my frnds about it but these things are not openly discussed or accepted..
                  But as far as doing something about the whole trend is concerned... i guess me,releasing, is one of them..
                  I have been the molester and the molested, If i heal myself surely many people will benefit from it.. Self help is one of the greatest form of help..
                  These quotes by Lester say it better..

                  "You want to help the world? Help yourself. Only then may you do so. You cannot
                  show others unless you know yourself."

                  "You can help the world only to the degree you can help yourself."



                  • #10
                    Hello folks!

                    This thread brings up all kinds of feelings about ourselves and about the world. I invite everyone to release on what this topic brings up for you. Notice what is stirred up. Could you welcome that? And now check to see if you could let go of wanting that want just for now?

                    Vivek is right about releasing so that we are resting as the knowingness that we are and if we do decide to take action it will be the "best" or "right" action for us and/or others.

                    When we think about other peoples experiences, especailly when they are children's, things can get stirred up so welcome whatever comes up around this topic including any wanting to control other people's experiences. And then check to see if you could let this go? Again, if we do feel moved to take action on behalf of others we will be much more effective because we ourselves are in flow.



                    • #11
                      In the course of my own healing I discovered there had been about a year of intense and inappropriate sexual activity between my mother and I that had left some rather unpleasant traces in my psyche.
                      Whilst dealing with that and the effects of it I learnt how to do muscle testing on myself, and that the kinesiologic test is not a local phenomenha but rather a tool for accessing the quantum field of consciousness. After a steep learning curve I got to see that the source of the abuse actually lay in the previous lifetime. It wasn't that I'd abused children, but I certainly had neglected my own severely while I indulged in pride and insanity.
                      The conscience/super ego is very savage and I wasn't going to let myself off the hook. Hence the experience this time around. Knowing that has helped tremendously in that it removes self pity, blame, resentment, etc. I'm awed by how precise and exact karma is.
                      Many teachers have pointed out that the world is karmically perfect and that exactly matches my experience.
                      It would appear to be the perfect arena to let go of negative karma and gain positive karma.



                      • #12
                        Hi Manfred

                        Muscle testing seems legit and quite accurate..


                        • #13
                          It saves a lot of time and anguish if you can get yourself out of the way and just want to know the truth.



                          • #14
                            Is everybody on this site indian? I'm indian too lol oh and about your topic. you really can't blame yourself all that much, and at least you realised the error in your ways and fixed it. big up 22.