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The dream of my life is becoming real.. but just you wait

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  • The dream of my life is becoming real.. but just you wait

    Noticing when you can DO something that you couldn't in the past is one of those incomparable pleasures. I would know, with all the limitations brought upon by the stuttering - or by my reactions to it if you may. It turns out one thing I could never do for all my life was the simple act of reading out loud or speaking without circumlocuting (resorting to word substitution)... Incredibly, I have been recuperating my natural ability to do this and the stuttering has been proggresively dissapearing. It has to do with my decision three years ago to begin psychiatric treatment after a lifetime of miseries at the expense of stuttering blocks, biting my tongue, bleeding my gums, lascerating my mouth inside's.... and loosing everything a man could loose. So as I began treatment I also took the sedona method with myself and became a regular at practice. I can't conceive of my life without releasing.

    So, I would like to share the greatest memory of recovery I have. It turns out now, I can effortlessly read out loud before people I previously couldn't. I can converse over the phone without blocking, without anticipating, stumbling or making an abhorrent embarrasment of myself. Last week, I went to visit relatives and I found myself reading a letter out loud effortlesstly for my aunt despite feeling extremely jittery before but mastery is exactly that, feeling the fear but discovering it dissapears once you consciously intend to push through. I have been in the same scenario a million times before, trying to come across as a non-stutterer here, there and everywhere and collapsing due to pressure, anticipation and realization I could not speak for the life in me.. Now it's all different.

    At work, I routinely speak over the telephone, talk to clients, without a trace of self-consciousness or any sign of mental melt-down. Still.... I'm not jumping in no bandwagon. Why?

    Because I have seen in my life that nothing is as hard as the stuttering... It will destroy one's dreams - as it has with mine- with the same painstaking attention to detail an artisan dedicates to his craft. It will alter your life choices, plans, turn you against yourself more readily than any other disease. It will consume you. It will transform a natural born winner, like me, into an apparent world class loser. And it's still not over..... There is still a long way to go before this huge evil dissapears completely from my life. This is not the end. But it is the beggining of the end. I can accept it is going to happen again and there is nothing wrong with that. Somewhere, somehow it will rear its ugly head whereas through anticipation, refusal, dread, unwillingness, disorientation, apathy and ultimately blocking, the only outward behavior, the tip of the whole fucking iceberg.. And I'm gonna fall back to self-beating... but only for a moment mind you! There is still so much self-blame, insatisfaction, dissaproval and self-contempt within me.

    But I can see the silver lining now, I am able to do things people take for granted everyday in life. And they're beggining to get easy for me too, inexplicably. Or not so much. Somewhere between powerful life-choices such as moving out to live alone, beggining psychiatric treatment and becoming an avid releaser I was able to transform my reality.



    P.S. I'll tell you I'm done once I can muster the self-assurance to perform in a play.. some dream that is..

  • #2
    Thanks for sharing. Huge progress for you.

    Alex

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    • #3
      Thank you Alex. Strange things happen when you begin to break free..

      Some weeks ago at work, this customer came talking with a very loud voice. I politely asked her to tone her voice down (imagine the courage that
      takes with my personal history) but this person took it on the wrong side... somehow felt disrespected and stormed off. That landed me in hot water
      at work, stupid consumerist mindset.. having to put up a happy face with whatever crap from other's just for more
      profit... I went on the verge of quitting! But it's all gone now.

      Then last week, I went to grab a bite for lunch as I tried to pay with my credit card.. I had run out of funds...
      Boy, refelcting back on it, it was so embarrasing to come across like that before a queue of people. But I took it in
      stride, I had to speak to the manager to allow me to come back with cash leaving my I.D. or offering my cell phone as ransom. Now imagine if that
      is not the worst posible scenario for someone self-conscious of his speech
      !!!

      And then the next day, I was charged wrong at a cafe shop.. so I had to go back and demand a reimbursment.. Another akward
      face-to-face with a store manager that went just as exceptionally well.. no trace of struggle or anxiety-ridden behaviors.
      These are examples that fill me with courage that something major is taking place in my life.

      Examples like the one I mentioned are not prototypical of the stutterer. They are evident of an average joe. Something I have never been but am
      learning to be. Wow...

      P.S. I'm turning 30 the day after tomorrow. Feels young having lived through so much.
      Last edited by Horacio; 09-18-2012, 08:48 AM.

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      • #4
        Those are certainly huge changes. I agree they aren't prototypical of a former stutterer. You're demonstrating a confidence that isn't typical. I can think of a few people who would not return to exchange something faulty or get the change corrected and would harbor anger rather than do something about it.

        Happy birthday, what a great start to the next decade.

        Alex

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        • #5
          Hello Horacio!

          I agree with Alex when she says that you have had some really huge gains. Thank you so much for taking the time to share them with everyone. You are a great inspiration for all of us. You are a great example of what can happen when we keep releasing. We discover that we can accomplish things we never thought we could.

          Thanks again and HAPPY BIRTHDAY !!

          Delilah
          www.theaccordcenter.net

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