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Wanting disapproval - opposite wants and clean-up procedure

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  • Wanting disapproval - opposite wants and clean-up procedure

    Very little has been said about the "opposite wants".
    I guess that many people, including myself, find it difficult to find "wanting disappoval".
    Well, sometimes I have been able to find it, but many times also not. Although it is said to always be there.
    Today I guess I found it.
    In a kind of "clean up procedure" I did, I asked: Do I want their (I love to use "their" instead of his/her, as this opens up for stuff that is not directly connected with the person who made me upset) approval?
    NO! absolutely not!
    But did I want their DIS-approval then?... Well...yeah...not that I hope that they hate me (course I dont!..and thats probably what makes this releasing question so strange like: "Oh, how nice it would be to be hated by everybody")
    But what I found was that I actually kept drawing the idea of them having very devaluating thoughts about me into my awareness. I could see that I somehow did hold on to pictures/thoughs of them disapproving. So THERE was the odd "wanting diapproval".
    I dont think that most people find it easy to find this wanting disapproval without some re-wording, like: Do you cling to thoughs about how much they disapproave of you? (or are you merged with the experience of them thinking bad about you?) Would it be hard to picture them loving you (again)? If so, could you let go of w/disapproval? (or just "could you let go of holding on to thoughts about them disapproving of you?)

    And then turning it around: Do you disapprove of them? (or even hate them?). Could you let go.....(hate is very difficult to let go of, so it could be followed up by: Do you want to change that feeling of hate?)

    I find it a very good way to do the approval part of "clean up procedure", which I have always found a bit rigid. And if one is really upset about a relationship, the negative/opposite wants are usually there. Like when one think something like: He should just show me that arrogant, devaluating attitude again, and I am going to smack him in his face! Here you are waiting for (wanting) signs of disapproval, so get an opportunity to fight back. And holding on to this want makes it much less likely to get to a reconciliation.

    I thought I would post it, as someone else might find it helpful to do this kind of "expanded clean up"
    (The same principles could be applied to the other wants)

  • #2
    Originally posted by opllars View Post
    Very little has been said about the "opposite wants".
    I guess that many people, including myself, find it difficult to find "wanting disappoval".

    [much good stuff snipped]
    Hi, Opllars,

    Those are wonderful insights!

    There are other ways wanting disapproval shows up. I think you will recognize some of them:

    Expecting disapproval (as you noticed)
    Disapproving of yourself or others
    Wanting to hide, fade in, not be noticed
    Feeling you are less than, inferior, not good enough

    In fact, a lot of negative self-esteem feelings are just the wanting disapproval progam.

    Wanting disapproval can also take the form of brashness and negativity, as you noticed. Being contrary and behaving in ways that will draw disapproval.

    Releasing these wants yields great gains. Let us know what you've noticed from letting go of wanting disapproval!

    All the best,

    Susan
    Susan Seifert
    Certified Sedona Method Coach
    http://www.yoursedonacoach.com
    Register for my Free Sedona Method Support calls

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    • #3
      Great share opllars! Yes, many folks will benefit from your sharing this, Delilah
      www.theaccordcenter.net

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      • #4
        I definitely found this helpful! I guess we become comfortable with our limiting beliefs because they hold us in a place we can logically justify and explain. To let them go would put the mind into new territory!

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        • #5
          Thanks for your replies!
          I find that the negative wants might be a key to what keeps us stuck with the programs.
          (BTW, Eckhart Tolle speaks about the "painbody" that wants pain and suffering (for self and others) i.e. wanting fear, sadness, misery etc.
          You could say that he points to a common masochistic trait in all of us)

          I tried to do a releasing where I took myself though the stages similar to the old basic sedona tapes like: remember a time where you wanted disapproval... go deeper and see what are you thinking, feeling and doing when you want disapproval..see if there is some wanting disapproval from yourself..and lastly: dive in to wanting disapproval. This was interesting (wonder why diving in is so seldom mentioned, seems to me to be an ultimate way of releasing).
          What became clear is how much bitterness I carry inside. I came to think of Clint Eastwood in Grand Torino, where he plays an old man stuck in disapproving of everybody around him.

          I have a problem with the linguistics though:
          Susan, you suggested to look for:
          Expecting disapproval
          Disapproving of yourself or others
          Wanting to hide, fade in, not be noticed
          Feeling you are less than, inferior, not good enough

          Theses are very good suggestions, but there is a linguistic problem to it, as I hear "wanting disapproval" as meaning I (as subject) would like somebody (an object) to disapprove of me. In "disapproving of yourself/others" its the other way - disapproving going in the direction from me to self/others. It takes a non-dual viewpoint to see giving and getting as the same thing.
          But if I hold in my mind that "wanting disapproval" could mean either getting or giving it - from/to myself or others, then it works (I would like there to be some wording that could cover all of these, though...)

          I know that the sedona community does not like things made complicated, but this IS complicated, so I hope you will excuse me. Please pay attention that in "disapproving of others", we are talking about an opposite want directed in the opposite direction (towards others). In relation to yourself, you can have both wanting your own disapproval and wanting to disapprove of yourself. The difference in these are that in the first situation you identify with the part of you that receive the disapprovement. In the second situation you identify with the part of you that judges you. There is a very different feel to those. In the first situation I am a victim of disapproval and feel inferior. In the second situation there is a hard, judging feeling, I am the aggressor towards myself and want to beat myself up, whereas in the first I might just sit and "know" that I am worthless.

          Disapproval/critic seems like a virus that spreads in all these dimensions from one to the other. Probably it starts with receiving disapproval (from caregivers), soon you learn to disapprove of yourself before they disapprove of you. You might keep doing this so thoroughly, so that you dont dare to have any positive feelings about yourself and running the risk of getting hurt by disapproval from others. And also you quickly learn that if you disapprove of them, then their disapproval want hurt you so much, as you dont care too much about them. In some way a state of imperturbability has been reached, but in a negative, dysfunctional sense. Which is why many spiritual teachings see it as necessary to acquire a state of vulnerability. I think this is true, I think that letting go of the wanting disapproval program will make one much more in contact with the original vulnerability, beginning to value yourself and others will give you something to loose, which you didnt have before, as you really didnt care about it. This doesnt necessary mean suffering unless one gets attached to the pain. And then its 'just' to let go of wanting the approval that your are now feeling (able to feel). And maybe it becomes possible to stand in the middle of this and accept both the approvals and disapprovals without getting totally caught up with them. In the middle of these, or around these, or in the awareness of these, however one wants to express it, there is something that is unchanged by it. In some way 'this' has an approving quality, another kind of approval with no opposites...this is the real mystery...

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          • #6
            Hi opllars!

            Actually TSM community does not dislike complications. It's just that after releasing folks can usually see through the illusion of complications. If you prefer for things to be complicated or are impressed with the idea of things being complicated no one here will force you to let go of that idea...but you can if you want to.

            If you're open to this, start with noticing any wanting to figure things out...And then see if you could let that go. The question isn't could you let go of having understanding. It is asking could you let go of wanting understanding. Another way to think of this is to ask would you rather want to understand or would you rather have understanding? And then see if you could let go of wanting to figure any of this out. When we let go of wanting to figure things out there is no more mystery. There is just the knowingness that we ourselves already are.

            All of the different perspectives around disapproval are coming up to be released. One of the amazing things about TSM is that it allows and supports for every thing you have written about here to be released. Release on every side of what you have described here. Release on being the subject and the object...being the giver and receiver of disapproval. As you do this you will have all kinds of understandings and insights that can be released too. We don't have to hold onto any insights because our knowingness is always here and is available in every moment.

            Since you have noticed some bitterness, perhaps you might consider allowing that to come up fully and let that dissolve too? It's just a question, not a command.

            As for being hurt or vulnerable, those feelings/thoughts too are coming up to be released. If you don't refer to the body, mind or memory, can you find the one that can be hurt? Or is vulnerable? As we release we become less and less identified with the bodymind or the story. We discover that there is no one who can be hurt and no one who can hurt us.

            Keep letting go into flow,
            Delilah
            www.theaccordcenter.net

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            • #7
              OHHHHHHHHH! I was wanting dissaproval. I was expecting my mom to dissapove of me.

              And as I type this I was expecting her to challenge, oppose, and threaten me.

              *Cough cough*


              Um....yeahhhhhhh, I was also expecting her to control me. Wanting to be controlled.

              Wow. Clear as a bell.

              Great thread.

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              • #8
                That's a great insight grizzo and Sakura!

                Best,
                Delilah
                www.theaccordcenter.net

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