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something stabbing me everyday

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  • something stabbing me everyday

    I had lived with my uncle,my elder brother
    since I was 13 years old in the room.

    Someday uncle teased me " While u are sleeping, we touch ur pennis with ur elder brother."
    I was upset and felt huge ashme. But I coulnt fight with uncle. He was more than 20. I coulnt tell a mom.
    My mom was so weak. She never protected us.
    I coulnt tell my farher. He never had a interest in us.

    I felt huge ashme. I coulnt sleep earlier than my uncle. I really afraid he did it again.
    we stayed same room. I got a lot of stress all the time.
    I became more sleepness. I had a insomnia at 14.
    I began to start masturbation. After I did it, I could sleep well.
    But I had huse inner conflict. Coz I need to be a good boy. If I am a good boy, I think my mother love me.

    But I couln't stop masturbation. If I did a masturbation, I coulnt sleep.When I coulnt sleep, I masturbated in the blanket of the room. I felt guilty, nervous.
    I become addicted to masturbation

    someday I thought father'd kill me if he knew.
    I felt fear and dizzy while masturbating.

    Until 16, I coulnt sleep well all my middle school age.

    I feel deep aphathy, indifference. what's the use?
    Too many things and wounds are intertwined.
    I usually felt give up everything.
    I coulnt live normal life. I avoided everything.
    There has been a lot of work that I can't bear.
    Do u think I can live normal life?
    I am almost 40.
    It is very hard to work with others.
    Everyday I felt something is stabbing me when I'm with people. I try to endure stabbing pain somehow everyday.
    today I realize that One of the stabbing feelings is sexual shame.

    I felt guilty for my brother. coz I wanna revenge him when I was young.
    I touched the pepper for a 1 hours when my brother was sleeping at night.I was mad at that time.
    I felt the joy of revenge.

    My adult brother never urinates in the urinal and urinates in the stool.My brother seems to feel ashamed to urinate in the urinal in public toilet. I believe that I gave him sexual ashme.
    My behavior make my brother have a shame.
    I'm so sorry I gave you the shame that makes life miserable.

    I feel great anger at my uncle and his parents.
    I've had a miserable life,
    And I feel hopeless at what's still going on.

    I don't know what to do with me,
    who still can't adapt to reality.

  • #2
    Hi Ryanshin7!

    Yes, you can live a normal life.

    First I'd like to mention that we here at TSM don't claim to diagnose, treat, or cure any medical condition. So when someone writes about chronic pain we suggest that the person consult to appropriate professional. Having said that, I would add that we can still release even if we consult a medical practitioner.

    Back to what you have written about here,,,You have had a great insight into the stabbing feelings. You made the connection between stabbing pain and shame. That is a gain. As best you can, when you have some time and privacy, see if you can allow the shame to come up so that it can release. Shame is like all the other feelings. It is just coming up to be released. It can be helpful if you take the time to allow it to come up in whatever way it can. Notice where the feeling of shame is located in the body. And as best you can see if you can allow awareness to notice it, open up to it inside, so that it can come up and release. We needn't do anything else other than bring awareness to the sensation of the feeling where it is located. And the longer we can simply stay with it, keep noticing it, it will come up effortlessly and release. Shame is a type of disapproval, so if you could allow any disapproval you have for yourself for any of this, that would be very helpful.