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Allowing - Welcoming - Self Hate

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  • Allowing - Welcoming - Self Hate

    I am finding it difficult to 'allow' or 'welcome' the negative thoughts and beliefs about myself - such as
    - You're a terrible person, you don't deserve a new job, the universe hates you, nothing ever works out for you and it never will, don't you SEE how much the universe hates you - nothing has worked out despite all your efforts (all this evidence I have that the world is against me, victimization etc), people will HATE you if you succeed, this won't work for you.

    I've been unemployed now for 5 years, so every time something falls through - I am right back in this place of - well, of course it wasn't going to work. You even put in so much effort and you simply don't deserve this.

    It seems counter-intuitive to ALLOW this, for example - it seems like letting a person into your house who makes a huge mess and you're going to just stand there and say: go ahead, you're welcome here to tear everything apart and make a huge mess.

    Of course a part of me is naturally and automatically going to fight these thoughts and beliefs: No, I am a good person! Don't say those things about me.

    I also read somewhere that we sometimes want suffering so that we can 'earn' our deserving. How to navigate that? The story i have is:

    If I struggle enough people will see how hard life is for me and not leave me. They will not withhold their love.
    If I'm successful, people will withhold their love.
    I'm struggling with letting go of 'wanting people to hate me' which is what I tell myself would happen if I am successful.

    I have been having a hard time finding a way to 'allow' or welcome these kinds of negative beliefs, self-hate, self-blame. Or accepting and allowing all the negativity I have towards myself. I wouldn't let someone else say these things, so now when my brain says it, somehow I'm supposed to allow it?

    There has to be a way around this, or perhaps I need another reframe, or way of asking the question.

    Thank you for all your help with this method. It's been very helpful and I find it even more helpful to come here when things come up.
    Last edited by mari; 11-20-2019, 02:28 PM.

  • #2
    Hi Mari!

    First, the insights that have come up are actually gains in that you have allowed them to come up and be articulated out loud and that is a great gain. Suppressing this material is never useful. Yes, you're right , these kind of thoughts and feelings are very uncomfortable. Your questions about how to work with these things are really good ones and there are really good answers to them. See the answers below.

    1. Notice the thoughts and feelings including the feelings that accompany them. AND IN OF ITSELF IS WELCOMING!! Noticing the thoughts and feelings is welcoming. So good job!

    2. Notice the discomfort and as best you can see if you could allow the discomfort to be here, even for a second.

    3.Notice any wanting to get rid of the discomfort and allow that to be here too so that it can come up and release. Notice the resistance and as best you can open to it so that it has as much room as it needs to come up and release. If you keep allowing the resistance to come up and release you may very well find that it's easier to welcome the negative thoughts and they will have less and less power and release with more ease. If these thoughts continue to have charge then go back and welcome the resistance to come up again, take your time, and then check again to see if the negative thoughts can come up with more ease so that they can release.

    4. Take your time. Release a little at a time. You are not doing anything wrong! You are doing exactly what is needed even if you're having a bit of a hard time. In fact you are doing a great job! You, like all of us are on learning curve, and your facility with TSM will continue to increase. I know that sometimes the Method may seem counter-intuitive but if you can let go of wanting it to follow an "old" logic, you'll find that the process can work if you're patient and bring genltlovingkindness to your process.



    • #3
      Thank you Delilah, one thing I found helpful towards these kinds of thoughts - and it may help others - is the question: Could I let go of JUDGING this feeling?

      There is so much judgement that these thoughts are 'bad' - that if I let go of the judgement, it's like a energy becomes present behind the thoughts - it's often a painful energy that simply wants to be felt.


      • #4
        Have a big question, but first...Self hate feelings seem to be one of the egos efforts to control/save's just doing its best to help according to itself is how I take it. My question is once you sort of rise above or just realize those feelings and so on aren't you. And you realize what's always here right now - from that place or I guess from here right now - how do you take the next step to achieve your goals - once you are in that good place (the place we are actually always in). If that makes sense? Maybe that's a new thread - if so, sorry! I'm new to this forum.


        • #5
          Yes Mari! Excellent approach.


          • #6
            Hi malhoufa!

            Great question! Many others will have the same question.

            Even though we see through the illusion of "stories", we discover what we are not and what we actually are we can still take action steps. Furthermore when we shake loose of (release fully) the illusion of the stories it becomes much easier to take actions steps on behalf of our goals because we are no longer encumbered by all the limiting thoughts and feelings that contribute to feeling unworthy and incapable. These stories also cloud our ability to be fully intelligent, creative and energized on behalf our goals.



            • #7
              Delilah, a regarding what you said above about realizing what we are not and that which we are...a post you had about that really helped me to realize almost instantly that I was free and that I was love - but mostly that I was free and limitless in a way - however - once I started trying to see more closely what I was - a lot of resistance came up (the funny thing is it's hard to talk about because I know nothing came up, it was just me watching a story - but anyways) - resistance came up and it felt like I couldn't get myself to look more closely at what I am and especially to get in touch more with the LOVE aspect. I would like to really identify with that love and limitlessness and freedom and I know I'm free and I am that love and limitlessness and freedom, so why was I having trouble yesterday looking at it. Again, it was easier to see what I am not...harder to see what I am more closely. Any suggestions?


              • #8
                Hi Maloufha, May I ask what post you are referring to? I'd like to read it as well!